For we are only human

The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life…seemingly.  I will admit I relied on my old ways to deal with several problems.  I ran and hid.  I stayed   away from the people I knew could help.  I stayed away from the activities I loved to do.  I got angry.  I was a shell of myself.

But that is not who I am.  I am a person who is capable of asking for help when things are seemingly out of control.  I have the attitude of looking for answers when it seems like the water is over my head.  I had to get out of that relapse.

Independence is only good for being able to function outside the help of others.  Living is being dependent upon others to fulfill the parts of life which require input from others.  We are designed to be dependent.  I used to hate that fact.  And I had a little trouble these past two months.

What have I learned?  I have learned that I am human; more human than I was long ago.  This is encouraging to me.  Even if being human means opening myself up to being more vulnerable, then so be it.  I believe it is worth it.

I call what I am going through, becoming human.  I do so because I used to just exist.  I was a perfectionist.  A perfectionist is technically one who desires to DO everything right.  I say a perfectionist is someone who desires to BE right all of the time regardless of whether they are right or wrong.  Instead, I now strive for excellence.  I know I am not going to be perfect.  I make mistakes.  I am learning to deal with those mistakes.  My goal is to do the best I am able at everything I do.  If that means I make a ton of mistakes early on in order to not make worse ones later, then I can accept that.  But my goal is to get things right the first time; to live a life of integrity, and not just an emotional high ground.

So these last two months have been extremely hard.  But one thing I know to be true:  it will be alright.  I still have issues to deal with and demons to fight.  But there are people that care about me.  And as I still find it a little hard to believe, the point is I believe it whether I feel like it or not.  That is where faith comes in.  Knowing things are true even though I do not feel good means I have faith.

This blog was designed to be an expression of who I am.  I wanted to gauge myself against the world I did not know.  I knew what family and close friends would say if I asked them to look at me.  But what would a person who has no relationship with me, no access to me and essentially can remain anonymous say about me?  I have found that I am accepted.

My Grandmother says I need to write a book.  And maybe one day I will write about my life in an autobiography, but I have a ways to go before I think about that.  In the meantime, I will continue to blog (although it will still be a little scarce until sometime around March because of my deployment), I will continue to rely upon those people who have become close friends to help me when I make mistakes.

Most important; I will not beat myself over the head when I do make a mistake.  The guilt and anguish only hurts.  They are not productive.  I spoke with someone today and mentioned said, “Looking back now, I can see the difference others saw in me.  I can see the difference in me from now to six years ago, and between now, six years ago, and 10 years ago.”  It has been a long and hard journey.  And sometimes I feel overwhelmed and want to quit.  But I know the goal is worth it.  I will “become human.”  I will allow myself to be dependent.

For those of you who read this as a regular follower, and for those who read this in passing through.  I say, invest your life in others.  Allow others to invest into you.  Do not become a perfectionist.

Allow for mistakes, for we are only human.

I will catch you on the flip side.

—Mac

Advertisement

~ by hemlock1981 on 01/04/2012.