Holding on means letting go, giving up, and losing.

There is nothing like running at midnight:  the darkness, the cool wind in your face, and nothing but you and the trail. Reflections can be made while running.  Tonight was some inner reflection.

I thought about some things in my life and how I had been prioritizing them.  There were some things which I was holding onto which were not good for me.  I thought about the things which meant the most to me; my Wife, my family, my health, my friends.  As the air passed over my sweat-laden face, and the music in my headphones changed beats, I began to think about how much those important things in my life mean to me.  What would I do to nurture those areas?  What would I do to defend those priorities?  How can I hold onto them?  As I reached another marker on the trail, I realized the answers were not so easy to hear.

Holding on as tight as you can to keep what is most precious to you means letting go:  letting go of wrongs, selfishness, bitterness, differences, fears, anger, and ultimately yourself.  Holding on means giving up:  giving up some or all of everything else you desire, such as the desire to be right, the desire to be invulnerable, the desire to be unhurt.  Holding on means losing:  losing control and having faith, losing strength and gaining endurance, and losing patience and gaining determination.

As I finished the run and walked back to my CLU (containerized living unit), I was glad the run was more than just exercise.  I was able to think clearly, and remind myself that life is more important than me.

 

I will catch you on the flip side.

—Mac

Sometimes you just do.

Be Strong

Live Right

Accept Failure

Learn Kindness

Trust in Love

 

I will catch you on the flip side.

—Mac

For we are only human

The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life…seemingly.  I will admit I relied on my old ways to deal with several problems.  I ran and hid.  I stayed   away from the people I knew could help.  I stayed away from the activities I loved to do.  I got angry.  I was a shell of myself.

But that is not who I am.  I am a person who is capable of asking for help when things are seemingly out of control.  I have the attitude of looking for answers when it seems like the water is over my head.  I had to get out of that relapse.

Independence is only good for being able to function outside the help of others.  Living is being dependent upon others to fulfill the parts of life which require input from others.  We are designed to be dependent.  I used to hate that fact.  And I had a little trouble these past two months.

What have I learned?  I have learned that I am human; more human than I was long ago.  This is encouraging to me.  Even if being human means opening myself up to being more vulnerable, then so be it.  I believe it is worth it.

I call what I am going through, becoming human.  I do so because I used to just exist.  I was a perfectionist.  A perfectionist is technically one who desires to DO everything right.  I say a perfectionist is someone who desires to BE right all of the time regardless of whether they are right or wrong.  Instead, I now strive for excellence.  I know I am not going to be perfect.  I make mistakes.  I am learning to deal with those mistakes.  My goal is to do the best I am able at everything I do.  If that means I make a ton of mistakes early on in order to not make worse ones later, then I can accept that.  But my goal is to get things right the first time; to live a life of integrity, and not just an emotional high ground.

So these last two months have been extremely hard.  But one thing I know to be true:  it will be alright.  I still have issues to deal with and demons to fight.  But there are people that care about me.  And as I still find it a little hard to believe, the point is I believe it whether I feel like it or not.  That is where faith comes in.  Knowing things are true even though I do not feel good means I have faith.

This blog was designed to be an expression of who I am.  I wanted to gauge myself against the world I did not know.  I knew what family and close friends would say if I asked them to look at me.  But what would a person who has no relationship with me, no access to me and essentially can remain anonymous say about me?  I have found that I am accepted.

My Grandmother says I need to write a book.  And maybe one day I will write about my life in an autobiography, but I have a ways to go before I think about that.  In the meantime, I will continue to blog (although it will still be a little scarce until sometime around March because of my deployment), I will continue to rely upon those people who have become close friends to help me when I make mistakes.

Most important; I will not beat myself over the head when I do make a mistake.  The guilt and anguish only hurts.  They are not productive.  I spoke with someone today and mentioned said, “Looking back now, I can see the difference others saw in me.  I can see the difference in me from now to six years ago, and between now, six years ago, and 10 years ago.”  It has been a long and hard journey.  And sometimes I feel overwhelmed and want to quit.  But I know the goal is worth it.  I will “become human.”  I will allow myself to be dependent.

For those of you who read this as a regular follower, and for those who read this in passing through.  I say, invest your life in others.  Allow others to invest into you.  Do not become a perfectionist.

Allow for mistakes, for we are only human.

I will catch you on the flip side.

—Mac

Just before class…

I’m sitting at a patio table waiting for class. Yes the learning never stops. This class is to keep my certification for my combat lifesaver.

After, I go back to work. My mission is still happening. I’ve got a good E-4 who can handle things while I’m gone. He’ll be an excellent NCO soon.

But I just had a quick opportunity to type in an area with internet access! So, I figured I’d let you in on what soldiers do in their precious downtime. We play games! Sounds mundane and boring when there is so much else to do, but we play games, because we are safe doing so. And this is my latest screen shot!

It’s fun and relaxing.

I will catch you on the flip side!

—Mac

So I’m taking a new class.

American Sign Language.  It is more difficult than it looks.  I am taking on a new adventure and have chosen sign language.  I have always been fascinated by the language.  I have a vague memory of my first encounter with sign language.  I do not remember where I was, or exactly how old I was, but I was young.  I was at a play.  After the show, I encountered a person who spelled out the word “Hi.”  I did not understand at the time, but was intrigued nonetheless, and figured out what he meant.

Several years ago, my Mother took a sign language class.  She excelled and became very proficient.  She learned a lot about the deaf community as well as a new language.  This took my interest even more.  I figured I would pick it up sometime.  Well, ‘sometime’ is now.  I have some time, and the motivation.  I might as well try to start.

As an athlete, coordination is a necessary characteristic.  Being proficient in sports requires the use of the mind as well as the body in a fluid symbiosis.  The same is true of sign language.  Paying close attention to the speaker and not just the motion is an essential part of communicating.  While keeping what you want to say in mind, you have to move, correctly, at a pace which can be interpreted.

While it may sound easy, actually “speaking” with your hands is not as simple as it looks.  Well, I have only begun.  I am confident I will get better as time goes by, but while I am in the infant stages, it seems a bit more difficult.  Yes, small steps make progress.  I am only setting small goals with this endeavor.  Right now, I am forcing myself to sign the alphabet, at least, 20 times a day, and more when the thought comes to mind to do so:  every time I sit at my computer I see my note to sign, every time I see signs around here with improper grammar (tee hee), and the few free moments I have between tasks.

I wanted to learn something new.  I am trying a new language.  I hope I can get proficient at it enough to do something with it.  But for now, I will enjoy the challenge and the excitement of learning something new.  So until next time,

 

(bye)

I will catch you on the flip side.

—Mac